This was our first week of getting together after our marriage where all four boys were together as step brothers.After the shyness of the first hour wore off, I soon began to learn that I had better start to master this new duty of being a stepmom as fast as I could, if I wanted everyone in this family to survive, and this was including me. There is no way I could possibly put all my earned knowledge and experience here in a few paragraphs, but I can give you some emergency survival tips to help you get through though first few initial gatherings of the clan.
Know that the children are marking their territory.
Don't try and be the referee. The kids are going to fight amongst themselves over things they normally wouldn't, because they are all trying to mark their emotional territory here. Make it clear that the kids will have to work out their problems. This is a most difficult time for all of the kids involved.
Ideally, if you can let the kids establish a relationship amongst themselves first before taking on the adults, then you will have a lot less problems in the future. That doesn't mean you walk out of the room and let the kids fight it out. It means that you act as a mediator while the kids sort it out.
United we stand.
United you stand. Be absolutely sure that you and your husband get on the same page when it comes to the kids. My husband and I were very fortunate in that we had a great communicational relationship. Neither one of us was afraid to say what we felt about the situation. This was never done in front of the kids or anywhere within hearing distance.
Whatever problems we had about the issues with the kids we sorted out between us. In the kids’ eyes they always saw us as one and the same. This gave them all stability. Remember in my situation here I was dealing with two new step-boys, but also two of my own boys who were dealing with stepdad issues, and likewise for my husband.
Save your thoughts about the bio-mom to yourself.
It may sound trite. But I can’t emphasize how important it is to not blame the biological mom in front of the kids. You certainly wouldn't like a stepmom in your child's life to badmouth you and the same applies here.
Hopefully you have a good relationship with the ex-wife because that makes it a lot easier on the kids. In my case the ex lived such a distance away that I never had any real contact with her. The kids certainly made sure I got to know her through their stories of her.
Hopefully these three steps will help you to survive the initial gatherings of your new family. It will get better if you are sure to work at it as a team.
by Laura Kent
